Email Love: Volume 3

 

 

The third installment of email love. (click here if you missed the first two)

First off, I am sad to say that there have been no offers on the new domains I purchased. Some business opportunities just don’t pan out quite as you expect them to.

And for some reason (I don’t know, maybe because I publish them?) the hate mail has died off a little. Slim pickings recently….but here are a few humorous emails and comments to share:

 

“I spent the better part of an hour looking for the final version of a pin and still haven’t found it. I understand you can’t control what is pinned, but would it really be troublesome to link to whatever the project was to the finished tutorial instead of “Oh hey, I finished this, if you want to view it go look through all my other craft projects. Because I’m so awesome I craft my toilet paper.” It makes me much less likely to want to view, try, or link anything from you.”
Well, top o’ the morning to you too!
Just a note, would it be too troublesome to leave a valid email address? That way I could actually respond and maybe help you out.
P.S. You’re right, I can’t control what people pin from my site.
P.P.S. I’ve never crafted my toilet paper.

 

Were you the same girl I used to talk with on ICQ nearly 16 years ago? You had the name Millertime and worked down in Louisiana?  I was a young guy from Chicago and always talked about meeting one day.  I had a dream the other night and I was reliving my past and I could see myself typing to you on ICQ ………………I’m sorry if it all sounds strange but my brain works in odd ways…………if it isn’t you, I apologize.
Sorry, it wasn’t me…..but I’m intrigued. I hope you find her….with the name “Millertime” she has to be awesome.

 

Not an email just an excerpt from a recent conversation:

Me: So what do you do? (even though I already knew what he did, because, well, he’s well known and has a large Internet presence)
Him: Just Google me when you get home.
Me: Oh yeah? Well just Google ME.
(Yes, I actually had that moment. He was so smug and arrogant….I had a brief moment of insanity and I threw the “Google me” card right back at him.)
And you know what he said?

Him: Well….okay…..I will.

 

Posted on a reader’s comment:

UUUGGHHHH! I must chime in here, because YOU just committed the same crime of the English language that Ashley commits often. The word is ANYWAY, not ANYWAYS.
Okay, I had no idea that I committed that crime. Thank you for pointing it out, finally….and have you noticed that I haven’t done it since? I know that I also use ellipses all wrong….but no one’s called me out on that one yet. Keep on keepin’ on.

 

And then there are the Google searches that people type in….and somehow they end up at Lil Blue Boo:

It’s really hard to say Lil Blue Boo…..and to spell it apparently. There are hundreds of variations: lilyblurboo, lilybluebo, littleblowboo, lil boob lue, bittle blow boo, lil bloo boo

 

I couldn’t possibly comb through all 25,000 searches from the last 30 days, so here’s a random sample of popular searches. I started to take screenshots but there were too many and I gave up:


118 searches for “girls who poop at work”
90 searches for “taxidermy”
89 searches for “cb handle generator”
36 searches for “DIY taxidermy”
26 searches for “male divers losing suit”
12 searches for “costco germy straw dispenser”
11 searches for “camel toe”
8 searches for “zombie apocalypse”

 

Oh the randomness:

chihuahua pees on rug just for spite
ric flair makes your momma say whoo
what are neanderthals
what noodles were salander eating
what size dog diapers do i get for an 8 pound pomeranian
what to write in husband’s card for birthday
why do kangaroos fall into bags

am i buying too many legos
can i say i’m naked to phone solicitors

 

I love how some questions are phrased:

whats the name of the movie with two kids and one of them is in a concentration camp or something like that
what do you do if you’ve had hemorrhoids forever and a month
why do i feel like i have to poop even though i do not
bangin’ north carolina vinegar based pork bbq recipe


Some are funny because you know they searched it thinking they were under surveillance:

wi fi signal comes up fbi surveillance van what does that mean

 

 

And I’m starting to think that Lil Blue Boo is synonymous with WebMD*:

can you die if you push too hard whilst pooping
can you get brain hemmorhage from pushing too hard on the toilet
can thongs give you hemorrhoids
before pooping why do i feel like i’m having a heart attack

why do my legs itch
wake up with my intestines hurting can feel poo when it comes out my colon with pain on the right
i had to spread my bum at the hospital
what do proctologists prescribe
what makes you feel like your intestines are about to fall our while pooping
what should i do when i’m pooping

what do you do if you don’t poop for a week

*(actually if you search these, Lil Blue Boo comes up before WebMD. there’s something so wrong about that……)

Comments

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Comments

  1. 1

    That last part was “snort out loud while laughing” funny! I really wish the hate mail I got was as good as yours! A girl can dare to dream…..

  2. 2

    Oh the poops.

  3. 3
    Tleshia Farrar says:

    I so needed to read this tonight!!!!!! Thanks so much!!!!! LOVE IT!

  4. 4

    Wow… Crazy! Oh the things people Google! ;)

  5. 6

    Your blog never ceases to give me a good belly laugh after a long day. Thanks for that!

  6. 7

    Laugh of the day–check! Thank you!

  7. 8

    Thank you I needed a laugh.

  8. 9

    Thank you, thank you for making me laugh so hard, boy did I need that today! I have a penchant for poop humor, so I am especially fond of the Google searches involving all things poo. :) I once wrote an entire blog post on how to inconspicuously poop at work…not any *serious* advice, but I like to think I may have really helped someone out there. Ha! :)

  9. 10

    I wanna know who this “google me” guy was. and I say Lil Boo Boo. It just comes out.

  10. 11

    Who’s the internet guy???

  11. 12

    HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh I love it! I needed that laugh. I’m sad no one is sending you as much funny hate mail because they sure do make for a good blog post! ;)

  12. 13

    You are DeLovely!

  13. 14

    OMG! Love it as always Ashley! ROFL and my co-workers think I’m crazy!….thanks for that by the way!

    Ellie

  14. 15

    I can’t stand rude people- unless they are funny like those people :) haha who says that kind of thing to someone’s face? Or computer screen? lol Sorry your funny emails are dying off…. let me know if you need me to make up a bunch!

    -Madi

    PS I think your next project should be made out of toilet paper! :)

  15. 16

    OK, now seeeeee, that first one makes me want to hurt someone! It makes me crazy when you give and give and give what people use to have to buy books and magazines to get, you are giving it away for free! and they want to bitch about how you do it! ARGHH!!! And these people are allowed to drive and reproduce!!!

    OK, sorry, I’m better now, just had to get that out! Well maybe not, but I’ll stop now.

    Ashley, THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR JOY!
    neb

  16. 17

    I love your incorrect use of ellipses! :)

    And, WTH with everyone above really “needing” the laugh today? Was there some sad event in the world I missed?

  17. 18

    I just died.
    “Am I buying too many Legos?”–do they think the internet is a magic 8 ball or something? I seriously love people. So funny!!

  18. 19

    haters gon’ hate. lol.

  19. 20

    oooooooo…so funny.

  20. 21

    LMAO

  21. 22
    fiona mckinna says:

    Hahaha! Two things, firstly I want to craft toilet paper now and secondly dog diapers???, where on earth do you even buy them?!

  22. 23

    So have you e er been to a wedding shower where you have to make. Wedding dress using toliet paper? does that count as crafting with TP? Thie post had me laughing….thanks for a big laugh and smile today Ashley.

  23. 24

    Oh for goodness sakes!!!!!!! 3 periods in the middle of a sentence and 4 if it’s the end! LOL. But honestly, if people know what you mean what does it really matter? People misspell ALL THE TIME, like so much so that I wonder what our kids learn in school. But, I can still read and understand what they mean so what’s the big freaking deal? People go crazy over the silliest things, thankfully you’re around to call them out.

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