Disclaimer: This is an entire post about chemotherapy and pooping and dying. So if you don’t like to read about poop or death please move on. Thank you.
I somehow knew this day might come…..that I’d have to write the H word. I’ll write it later down the post so it isn’t the first thing that comes up. So, we all know I have pooping issues. Some of the chemotherapy drugs they pump me with have extreme pooping consequences. So bad…..my intestines just stop for a few days. Almost like they’ve died. The poop stops midway through my bowels. It’s not even like it’s CLOSE to the end. So I take cocktails of “smooth move” tea (thanks for the awesome tea Elaine!), stool softeners, Miralax, Swiss Kriss herbs, coffee, enemas…..anything to make pooping easier. I left a message for Dr. Y, my regular doctor, because I figure there’s not much that Dr. L, my oncologist, can do about it. I’ll let you know what she says.
So here it is…..I’m pretty sure I have an internal hemorrhoid. So not only am I constipated…..but it hurts to poop. Double whammy. I’ll look on the bright side though…..at least I still have the ability to poop right? The tumors aren’t touching my intestines yet! I make it a point never to strain on the potty because I have a few ways that I would prefer not to die:
3. Heart attack on toilet
I’ve heard of #3 happening to people. So if I can’t poop with little effort…..I don’t poop. I don’t want to strain my heart. It has to come out easily. Maybe it’s an urban legend that difficult pooping could lead to a heart attack, but I’m not taking any chances.
Ways to die that would be sad, but I’d be okay with:
1. In my sleep (I wouldn’t know)
2. A HUGE explosion (I’m talking HUGE, so it would be instant)
3. A sniper (They are typically pretty accurate with those scopes so I wouldn’t suffer)
I’m only writing about this so it might help someone else. I don’t truly get extreme joy out of writing about poop and hemorrhoids. Lord knows I talk about it 24/7 here at LBB but it’s different writing it down for the world to read about. HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT ME! CONSTIPATION AND HEMORRHOIDS! If you happen to have severe constipation and hemorrhoids just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone.
Another thing, I’m willing to suffer for the lack of panty lines. I’m not giving up my thong underwear for this hemorrhoid. My Lululemon yoga pants are too cute to have granny panty lines.
As I’m writing this, Lisa just walked into work…..and I’m still sitting in my towel from showering. I didn’t realize I had a towel wrapped around my head….because the bald head must retain a lot of water right? Funny how you do things out of habit. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to fire her today…..I texted her to pick up a cake donut for me and she thought today was Thursday and that I was at chemo. So I have zero donuts right now. OMG….what if donuts cause hemorrhoids?!?
Have a wonderful hopefully-hemorrhoid-free day!
P.S. Lisa says everyone gets hemorrhoids….they just don’t talk about it.