choose joy wristband Archives - Ashley Hackshaw / Lil Blue Boo

Photos of the Day: Bum Shots and a Wedding Dress

November 7, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

I had my chemo at the Lucy Curci Center today. I love the place….it’s so nice, so close and convenient and I’ll have the same nurses every time I go.

My mother-in-law Gale drove me today and snapped some photos. I won’t get my blood results until this evening or tomorrow but I’m praying for a good result.

And then the dreaded butt shot…..they can’t fit it all in one syringe…..so I have to get two (one in each cheek). All I repeat to myself is: at least it’s not Boo, at least it’s not Boo. They can do anything they want to me as long as it’s not Boo that has to go through it….I’m thankful it’s me.

My weight went down again so Gale bought me some Boost to try this time. 390 calories a bottle. I think if it’s really super cold and I use a bendy straw I’ll be able to get it down. Seriously, is the bendy straw not the greatest invention ever? I don’t even have to burn any calories moving my head to drink the Boost……so it might be the equivalent of 420 calories.

I miss my mom and sister. I wish I could be with my mom today. She just drove home to my parent’s house in Florida last night…..the first time since my father passed away. I know it was really sad for her because that is where she was when she got the phone call in May. She has so many friends that have been helpful down there and supportive though. Friends showed up to unpack her car and one even came over to set up her computer. So much kindness in people. And so much kindness when no one is even looking. I feel so overwhelmed by kindness recently I just need an outlet. I need to do something. I can’t take it all in. My friend Alberto sent someone over to clean my car today just because. I didn’t even think my car was that dirty.

My mother-in-law Kathy is here too for a week to help out. We are lucky to have a huge blended family. She and Boo put up our Christmas decorations today. I don’t see any reason why we can’t have them up for 7 weeks. Brett accidentally threw away the box that we usually lift the tree up with so I used the only other box I had: my wedding dress. It’s the perfect tree propped-upper….and actually makes it useful:

Coming Home & The Dolphin

November 4, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

I’ve been singing that P. Diddy song all day…..it’s raining in the desert. It never rains in the desert.

I’m coming home
I’m coming home

I started singing it in the shower this morning because I was so excited that my chemo treatment was being transferred to the Lucy Curci Cancer Center here in the desert…..I felt like I was coming home finally…..no more traveling to Loma Linda. My sister and I went to see my doctor here and I feel like things will be so much more manageable from this point forward. When Dr. T walked in the room he only saw my sister and kind of did a double take…..and then saw me and asked “are you gals twins?”…..we laughed and said “not if we stand up!” (I’m like a foot taller than she is).

It’s hard to believe that two weeks ago tonight I was on an operating table completely unaware of what was going on. Today was the first time I’d seen Dr. T since he’d referred me to Loma Linda…..and he said “you have a light from above following you, the way things worked out and you are lucky to be alive.” It gave me chills. I lit up a little when he explained how rare the invasive nature of my tumor was and that they might publish a report on it.

My huge scar is healing really well….my stomach is just a little lumpy like everything hasn’t gone back to the right place yet…..but I’m starting to look normal from the outside. All the bruising is slowly fading. The hardest part of everyday is waking up. I’m usually a very early riser but I wake up with my insides burning so I stay in bed until about 9:30 every morning. I dread eating because the movement of my bowels is pretty painful. My chemotherapy is on Mondays…..so I don’t feel that great the first part of the week but I feel like it gets better as the week goes on…..but then it’s a cycle all over again.

My advice to anyone who has had a traumatic surgery or illness? Do all you can to make yourself feel pretty and normal…..even if it’s in baby steps. Have someone paint your toes or put lotion on your legs. Wash and brush your hair…..and try to get out of the house…..even if just to get the mail.

Things I took for granted before are completely awesome now…..like the bench in our shower. I don’t think I’ve ever used that bench before. Today I carefully shaved my legs in increments and sat down on the bench to rest. I’m figuring out ways to be more self sufficient and make things work:
:: If I have to bend down to pick something up I try to pull a chair over so I can help myself back up.
:: If I have to sneeze I’ve learned to open my mouth wide and the sneeze comes out fast without using stomach muscles. If I have to cough I grab a pillow and hold it tight.
:: To get in and out of bed I grab my legs like a Pilates roll to keep anything from pulling. I use the wood railing with my toes as a stool.
:: I can hold the very tippy end of my razor so I can reach my ankles to shave my legs so I don’t have to bend over too far. I have go-go-gadget arms….so that helps too.
:: I can use a TV tray table to type on my laptop. I can craft in increments of 10 minutes.

A few people have asked what Boo knows. She doesn’t know much. She just knows that Mommy was sick and in the hospital. But daily she says “Mommy, when the baby comes out……” and I have to remind her that there is no baby. Then she gets defensive “I KNOW….but one day when a baby comes out” and I’m not sure how to make it any more clear. It seems like I’m torturing her with each reminder that there is NO baby and there won’t ever be a baby in mommy’s tummy.

Right now I can only wear loose fitting clothing and spandex so after my doctor appointment I had my sister stop by the mall on the way home so I could pick up some more leggings. I haven’t worn underwear in 2 weeks…..I’m getting kind of used to it. Maybe I’ll never wear underwear again. Perry says there is going to have to be an intervention soon for the tacky leggings. I mean how often could I get away with wearing these pants? Yes, I bought 2 pairs. Totally 80’s and they rock. Thank you God for my surgery so I can wear tacky 80’s leggings.

We were at a stoplight and this horse was right next to us. He looked straight at me and nodded his head a few times as if to say “everything is going to be okay from here on out Ash”….I felt like it was that moment in the movie bridesmaids when Megan talks about falling off the cruise ship and a dolphin looked into her soul……I had a connection with a horse and I giggle hysterically everytime I think about it:

I didn’t…I’m not gonna say I survived. I say I thrived.
I met a dolphin down there.
And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul.
Into my {bleep} soul, Annie. And said; I’m saving you Megan.
Not with his mouth, but he said it, I’m assuming telepathically.
(from the movie Bridesmaids)

I’m pretty sure things are going to be great going forward…..because Perry got pooped on by a bird in the parking lot at the mall…..that’s good luck.

Perry leaves tomorrow morning. She was such a big help and as always was the life of the house singing, skipping, playing with Boo. I snapped a pic of her doing a Napoleon Dynamite-inspired dance for Boo and I one night….it’s a total action shot.

Tomorrow night my mother-in-law Kathy flies in for a while to help. We are so blessed to have so much help. Our fridge has been kept full of food and everyone has pitched in any way they can. I’m indebted forever!

Well, that’s my update for now. Thank you for reading as always. I think I rambled a little in this post but I had a lot of stuff to cram in. Yes I don’t wear underwear and I think a horse looked into my soul. I think my medication makes me a little loopy.

Answered Prayers

November 1, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

Warning: another scary photo of my stomach in this post.

Yesterday, Brett and I woke up at the crack of dawn and drove to Loma Linda for a post op appointment and another round of chemotherapy.

The desert is gorgeous at sunrise and you can see the windmills in the background too….it’s a peaceful drive.

First, Dr. R removed my staples and then I got my chemo shots:

My battle scar! It’s looking much better……and I still have a belly button (it was hiding under the staples)! It’s about a half inch off center now. The smaller incision was from the laparoscopy. The incision itself doesn’t hurt but it just feels like they took a baseball bat to every organ on the inside. I was in a deep sleep…..so maybe they did:

We weren’t able to get the blood results from yesterday until this morning……but it was the best phone call ever. My HCG levels are at 7,800…..they were at 17,000 right before my first chemotherapy injections. Before my hysterectomy they were 123,000. What does this mean? It means the chemotherapy is working.

Two months ago I’d never even heard of a molar pregnancy but that’s how all of this started. My family and I learn something new about it every day. Basically, a molar pregnancy results from over-production of the tissue that is supposed to develop into the placenta. The placenta normally feeds a fetus during pregnancy….but in my case it was feeding a tumor. The tumor became invasive and grew through the wall of my uterus which is what eventually caused the uncontrollable pelvic bleeding. I’m still in shock that I had a 4″ x 6″ tumor in my uterus…..but I think I’m even more in shock at how quickly it was able to metastasize to my lungs and liver. The good news is that these cancerous cells are very responsive to chemotherapy. I’ll continue chemotherapy until my HCG levels come down to zero and remain at zero for three consecutive treatments. Then I’ll have another CT scan to see if the spots on my lung and liver have gone away (because we are assuming those spots are from the molar pregnancy).

The biggest challenge right now is keeping weight on. I haven’t wanted a donut in weeks. Since my body thought it was pregnant, I weighed 158 when I was in the hospital. I’ve lost about 15 pounds since then. I’ve been mostly successful eating small bits of sourdough bread dipped in balsamic vinegar. I still don’t know what symptoms are from surgery and what is from chemo. I guess I’ll start figuring that out in the next few weeks. Highlight of the day yesterday: I sat at my computer for the first time in a few weeks!

My mom leaves tomorrow. So sad. She’s been such an great help this past week…..cleaning, grocery shopping, picking Boo up from school and getting her ready for bed……not to mention waiting on me hand and foot. So many friends have been bringing meals to help out which has been amazing.

My father-in-law is my angel. He has coordinated care and chemotherapy here in the desert at the Lucy Curci Center so we won’t have to drive to Loma Linda anymore. It will make things much more manageable over the next few weeks.

Now all I can think about are things I want to make. My list is getting longer by the day. I feel like I have 3 moms here: my mom, Lisa and Gicela. Anytime I get up and try to make something they say I’m overdoing it…..and usually they are right….but I’m so bored.

Thank you for your continued prayers everyone.