Cancer Chronicles | Lil Blue Boo

In the Moment

June 18, 2013 By Ashley Hackshaw 2 Comments

He’s leaving for 2 days and he has to leave notes so I’ll remember things. Only Smokey (the fish) is at any real risk of not being fed….he’s not very vocal. The trash definitely wouldn’t be taken out without a note…but hopefully I remember what day of the week it is!

As long as I have a pen and paper I think I’ll be okay. I’m great in the moment. I’m teaching VBS all week up at our church and Boo is having a blast.

Me: What’s been your favorite part of VBS?
Boo: You Mommy.

Who would have thought she’d be so excited to have me around?! I thought for sure she’d be embarrassed of me!

Filed Under: Cancer Chronicles, Uncategorized

The Show

June 9, 2013 By Ashley Hackshaw 11 Comments

Friday I had a three month check up at my oncologist to go over some scans. All looks good….and so does this gown right?!

Stuck on level 65 of Candy Crush. Losing. Mind.

Friday night Mr. LBB and I went out with some friends to see Jewel at The Show (Agua Caliente):

It was my friend Jackie’s birthday and her hubby set it up as a surprise. She was surprised!

Jewel:

After the concert, we found the 80′s All Starz in the casino lounge….

…..and we danced until way past our bedtime! Oh and it was Mr. LBB’s birthday this weekend too. Thanks to whoever left these $$ glasses in the casino lounge:

Oh and coming tomorrow are some organization posts….because that’s what I worked on this weekend: organizing my organization. Talk to you soon! CONTINUE READING

Filed Under: Cancer Chronicles, Life, Uncategorized

At the Present

April 23, 2013 By Ashley Hackshaw 16 Comments

Where am I?

The past few months I’ve been having more and more cognitive issues. It’s from the chemo. Cisplatin. I feel like I’m in a fog more often than not. I can’t keep organized….I can’t remember how old I am…..I can’t tell you what I did 5 minutes ago. Oh and my hearing. You might need to speak up a little.

And so I just stay in the present…..a little slower than normal…..but I’m still here.

The past few days I’ve just been watching this little gal swim with my mother….

….and getting back on track with some writing projects. The fun part is I’ve been rereading stuff I wrote a few months ago and wondering: what crazy person wrote this?

Me: Cognitive issues include social awkwardness and inappropriate behavior. Is that me?

Mr. LBB: No more now than you were before.

Me: Oh…ok….phew.

(I think he’s just being nice.)

Filed Under: Cancer Chronicles, Quote, Uncategorized

Unremarkable

February 21, 2013 By Ashley Hackshaw 23 Comments

I picked up the results of my scans today…..unremarkable…..which is awesome. No changes to remark upon.

EXCEPT the report said there were postsurgical changes from a partial pneumonectomy. I looked it up: lung removal.

What the….how did I lose a lung during a CT scan?!

I called and let them know that I proofread the report for them…..so they could make the report final-final…instead of just final. Pneumonectomy was changed to hysterectomy.

Oh and my right ovary is asymmetrically bulky. That sounds awful. Can they see that on airport x-ray scans? If so, I’m going to be really self conscious.

I hope that will be my LAST CT scan for a long time. I’ve got important stuff to do….

…..like memorizing the first 30 decimal places of pi with Boo. We sing the song. She’s determined to go on…..I gave up after 30.

Then I spent 3 hours on the phone trying to figure out insurance claims today too. It’s never ending. I’ve got some advice for anyone going through chemotherapy and other ongoing complicated treatments: keep a spreadsheet with your bills and note EVERY single appointment, bill, charge etc and match it to your explanation of benefits. If you can’t do it yourself….find someone to help you. I’ve caught so many errors and billing issues I’ve lost count. (I zeroed out my spreadsheet and put in some fake examples. I uploaded it here if you want it…..just add rows where it says to add rows and you won’t mess up any formulas. It’s formatted to print too. Good night and good luck!)

Filed Under: Cancer Chronicles, Uncategorized

I Caught You a Delicious Bass

February 20, 2013 By Ashley Hackshaw 15 Comments

My last two collections were hard…..harder than I ever let on…..because it’s not easy to work when you don’t feel well…..let alone feel inspired. I remember last spring being in a fabric warehouse, unable to make it up a flight of stairs…..my legs buckling…..I had to sit down right where I was. I was frustrated that my body was failing me. I was embarrassed that I had to ask people for help. I wondered if the chemo drugs were killing off my creativity right along with everything else.

Today I spent all day in L.A. I walked up that same stairwell….in that same warehouse. I visited my favorite peeps to see what new things they had. I crawled on concrete floors to find the best stuff. I fought over prices. I ate my favorite vegetable chow mein at Paul’s Kitchen. I carried around my little inspiration book full of things I love and wandered for hours:

Filed Under: Cancer Chronicles, Life, Uncategorized

I Like The Hair You Added

February 19, 2013 By Ashley Hackshaw 42 Comments

I went in for a CT scan today. Nothing really interesting about that. I didn’t wait around to talk to the radiologist. No news is good news, right?

As I sat there drinking my huge cups of “contrast” before going in, the door swung open, and an elderly man walked out with the nurse. He looked so tired and frail and I thought for sure someone would have accompanied him. He made it over a few seats over from me….and sat there for a while. He tried to make a phone call with a Jitterbug-looking phone….you’ve seen the commercials. He slumped down for a bit to rest and then he got up…..and slowly walked over to the receptionist desk to ask if there was a phone he could use and they pointed him around the corner. About 10 minutes later, it was my turn to go back for my scan. And I couldn’t go…..I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to go and check on that old man.

Leaving the waiting area, I went down the hall, following where I’d last seen him, and as I turned the corner….there he was……struggling with the phone on the wall:

Excuse me….sir? Have you….made your phone call yet?

It took him a bit to turn around….so I moved around so he could see me and repeated my question. He held out the handset and said:

I can’t……seem to make……a phone call.

I told him that my phone wasn’t working either and it was probably the fact that we were in the basement. I asked if he was waiting for a ride home and he said yes but he needed to call someone to pick him up. I helped him to the elevator and explained that he would need to go to the first floor to get cell reception. He smiled, said thank you, and stepped into the elevator.

I went back to my chair and couldn’t hold back tears. I know the people sitting there thought I was upset about being there…..but seeing that old man struggle so much just to cross the long waiting room….and all he wanted to do was make a simple phone call…..and so many people just watching but no one really paying attention…..it was too much for me.

****

When the scan was over….the nurse was taking out my IV and the technician came out of the adjacent room: Ashley….I have to ask…..is this your artwork?

Filed Under: Cancer Chronicles, Life, Uncategorized

Have the Day You Have

February 16, 2013 By Ashley Hackshaw 17 Comments

Early yesterday morning Boo brought me a vase with a dead leaf in it….stating that she was keeping it alive…..so that it would grow into a tree. I told her it wouldn’t work. She insisted it would….until I explained that it didn’t have roots…..not to mention it was already dried out. I’m not sure what set her off but she got so upset over the dead leaf that I promised her that this weekend I’d show her how to make terrarium. She never forgets a thing….because it was the first thing she mentioned this morning.

We went to Lowe’s early this evening and picked out the perfect little succulents. While we were there one of the employees asked if we like owls….we said yes…..and he told us to go to aisle 5. There in the rafters was the most beautiful owl…..it looked at us for a while…..and we looked back for another while. Boo “hoo’d” a few times and after a staring contest it took off……with a huge 6 foot wingspan. But it didn’t go far…..it flew up to the outside wall of the garden center where its mate was sitting.

Boo: You know….Daddy and I were here this morning at Lowe’s.
Me: What?!
Boo: While you were still sleeping…..

I didn’t think I’d make it out today…..I had such a horrible migraine last night and this morning. I think I used my brain too much yesterday. And then my pelvis was hurting….I have a CT scan next week. I woke up and the house was eerily quiet…..Boo had left me a little pillow that had our photo on it and a flashcard that read “Jesus” on my nightstand. It made me laugh. Mr. LBB and Boo had let me sleep in and I felt like I was missing out on the day. I had already had to cancel breakfast with my friend Shari. And then……those owls….ever feel like there are just little gifts waiting for you? And I’m always looking around and taking in where I am…..but I don’t think I would have ever looked up into the rafters. Those owls can be quiet and mysterious you know.

Anyway, Boo got to make her terrarium…plus one….and filled them with succulents. You know what I love about succulents? They are so cute and plump. I just have this uncontrollable urge to squeeze them…..but Boo cried over an already dead leaf….so could you imagine?

“About my leaves, I gave them all away, because that’s what you do with gifts.”

-Timothy Green

Filed Under: Cancer Chronicles, Uncategorized

This Daring Adventure

October 21, 2012 By Ashley Hackshaw 37 Comments

Mr. LBB and I woke up this morning to Boo yelling from the living room for us to please not wake up because she didn’t want us to see what she was writing in her new diary. We weren’t awake until she asked us not to be awake. Classic.

Mr. LBB rolled over, put his hand on my arm, and said “Dear God, thank you for keeping my wife here with me.”

*****

It’s one year to the day since I went in for surgery at Loma Linda University. I call it the day that never was….because I was under anesthesia. Funny how that works……you close your eyes and it seems like only a second passes before you wake up again. No idea how long you were under.

When I was moved out of ICU I remember Lisa calling Mr. LBB and asking if she could share an update with everyone…..and I asked him to write something on the blog. And he did. You know….you worry about me….and I worry about you right back….that’s why I love this little online community.

I was thinking about those few days at Loma Linda last night and just about gave myself a panic attack. My mind started going to what Mr. LBB and Boo’s life might be like if that night had taken a different turn. It’s stuff you never want to admit that you think about: would they be living somewhere else? who would go to Boo’s Mother’s Day activities at school? Life goes on…..

A year ago yesterday I would have told you that surgery was no big deal. I’d recover quickly and then I’d be on my way to getting pregnant again. You think you are invincible and then you lose a crucial organ that’s necessary for reproduction.

Boo asks for a brother or sister almost every day in some way. On her biography poem for school in September she wrote on the line asking about her siblings: I have a brother named Diesel. Sigh…..her “brother” is an elderly dog. CONTINUE READING

Filed Under: Cancer Chronicles

Styling Short Hair

October 8, 2012 By Ashley Hackshaw 18 Comments

I promised a few of you I’d do this….just now getting around to it! I have to give all credit to my friend Tara Lorraine because she is the queen of makeup and hair. She shows me what to do regarding either and I just copy her step by step. Now that my hair is getting longer and growing out after cancer I’ve been keeping the sides short and the top longer. That means getting it trimmed on the sides almost every 2 or 3 weeks. I’m thinking about keeping it short for a while because, well,…..I’m on TIME for EVERYTHING now! It only takes me about 5 minutes to get ready.

Here are the products I’m using….you can get them at almost any drugstore:

1. Got 2B Spiking Glue (if you live near a Fresh and Easy….they have a great generic)

2. Got 2B Powder (there are a few different kinds…..I think they’ll all work)

3. Molding Wax (really any kind of hair wax)

Filed Under: Beauty, Cancer Chronicles, Uncategorized Tagged With: beauty tips, cancer, cancer chronicles, hair style

Dear God, I’m Taking Them Back

September 26, 2012 By Ashley Hackshaw 45 Comments

I’ve been feeling like a bit of a fraud for keeping that profile photo up of myself with long hair…..it’s not who I am anymore. I’ll replace it soon. My friend Tara cut my hair today and bleached the top….fun, right? I’m off to San Francisco tomorrow….if any of you live in the area come and say hi!